The 4 Most (Least) Likely Candidates for Secretary of State

With Secretary Hilary Clinton stepping down as Secretary of State in January, the Obama administration is looking at possible replacements. I understand this process can be difficult, so, I am going to help them out. I ask nothing in return except for a brief mention in a newsroom speech and a personal fleet of Predator drones.

Candidate #1: Enraged Elderly Conservative Internet Comment Writer

"What do you think, Mabel?"
"It needs more expletives, Gerald."

Pros: If we're going to heal this nation, we need our officials to begin reaching across the aisle. What better way to do that than to reach waaaaay across the aisle? I can almost see the state department press releases now: "On behaalf of "president" Barrack HUSSEIN Obummer..."

Cons: I'm almost certain there's some prophecy in the Revelation of St. John about this exact situation.

On Facial Hair, or Shaving Ordinances

(Disclaimer: I started writing this post before I saw BCC's similarish post, so please don't get after me for intellectual infringement or anything. kthanx)

Well, it's that time of year when some guys grow out mustaches to raise money for testicular cancer (Movember), some guys finally get that rugged mountain man look they've been going for (Novembeard), and some just realize that they can skip shaving for the month in order to devote more time to studies, Netflix, etc. (No Shave November/Noshember).

As I pondered the power of November on shaving, I was thinking how great it is that any and all church leaders as well as male students here on the BYU-Idaho campus are so clean shaven. After all, a clean shave is the height of professionalism.

Right, Don?

Oh wait, what I meant to say was that a clean shave was the height of professionalism in the 1960s. Looking over the commonly shown pictures of all the LDS Presidents of the Church, you can see that David O. McKay was the first after seven presidents in a row to ditch facial hair. He became president in 1951 and held the office until his death in 1970. His change was perhaps the catalyst for the beardless LDS congregations so prevalent today.

Election Reactions Explained by GIFs

Well it's over, and by now everybody's had time to digest the election results. Liberals are satisfied but not overly confident following a narrow but solid electoral victory. Conservatives are calmly and stoically assessing how to best put forth their ideas as a loyal opposition party...haha, just kidding, everybody's losing their minds on the cusp of four more years under a centrist Democrat /Muslim communist radical president (depending on your perspective). Mine is not to judge whether the more jubilant or apocalyptic election reactions are correct; instead, I seek to describe what I've seen in the most informative and succinct manor I know: animated GIFs. So here it is, my list of of the whos and hows of the 2012 election! For best results, give it a minute to load before scrolling further.

My reaction

Welfare and Charity, God and Government

I want to respond to line of argument I've read many times, most recently here (note: the author was good enough to comment below), about the relationship between charity and welfare, and how that ties in with the role of religion in government. Many conservatives and libertarians oppose government run welfare programs on the grounds that they force individuals to engage in "charitable" giving against their will, thus undermining the entire purpose of charity. The implication is often that supporters of government "charity" do so in lieu of their own actions, forcing a counterfeit charity on the unwilling and congratulating themselves for it. Not only does this undermine agency, the argument goes, it's downright hypocritical!

That type of argument, while cogent, misunderstands the purpose of social welfare as I see it, and also relies on potentially troublesome assumptions about the roles of God and government--assumptions that liberals are often guilty of making as well. I take seriously the injunction to "Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's," which I take to mean that earthly affairs of government are separate from the affairs of God. The conflict arises from confusing or mixing the two.

Sometimes the conflict is awesome.

In Fairness: A Post About Obama

In reviewing my additions to this blog, I've realized that, where politics are concerned, I've had a habit of magnifying the faults of conservative issues while largely defending (or, at times, ignoring) those of liberal issues.  I think this has been a result of my own shifting political allegiances; as I've grown more distant from the far-right rhetoric I enjoyed as a teenager, I've taken more issue with it, and as I've developed tentative liberal beliefs I've tried to bolster them.  This is entirely self-serving and biased, of course, but I don't think I've ever been too reserved about that.

In particular, I've been quite kind to the Obama administration.  While I took great pains in pointing out what I didn't like about each of the candidates in the Republican primaries, I gave President Obama a relative tongue-bathing in our recent political roundtable.

Pictured: Journalism

Christmas Blessing (a Missionary Story)

I want to take a break from my usual routine of satire and silliness to tell my Christmas story. I know it's a little early for that sort of thing, but this actually took place in October too. It was 2006; I was a missionary serving in Charleston, South Carolina.

It was a rough time for a number of reasons. My companion was affable but mostly uninterested in missionary work, and after seven weeks of shouldering most of the workload alone and without success I was tired and frustrated. I was right in the middle of my two year service, long enough that it was hard to remember not having been a missionary, but with the end still very far away. Not that I was counting down the days: I liked many of the people we met, and Charleston was beautiful area. Still, those were long, stressful days, sometimes even depressing ones.

Political Roundup: The Highly Debatable Edition

And now, the only news that you ever need to read, from the source so unbiased we make a random number generator look like a weighted random number generator.

-After a long hiatus, election season is finally upon us, and gentlemen of good birth are turning their attention to affairs of state, with the first presidential debate held last week. Men of taste unanimously declared Msr. Willard Romney, esq, the runaway winner, citing his "superior elocution," "magnificently rounded calves," and "numerous servants" compared to "that tawdry, swarthy-looking fellow."

-The debate covered topics ranging from healthcare to tax policy, although a CNN panel of undecided voters complained that it sometimes got "a little too, you know, fact-y" and reportedly spent most of the time arguing among themselves whether Coke Zero or Diet Coke was "bubblier."

Times They are a Changin': Missionary Edition

Day One of General Conference is over, and I think we're all convinced nothing can happen tomorrow that would top today (although Holland hasn't spoken yet...)

Meanwhile the girl next to him is texting her bishop for an interview...

Politics Done Right

Today was the day you were all waiting for - the Presidential Debate. After all this tip-toeing around, we can finally get some straight answers from the candidates. I've found some of the best clips of both Romney and the POTUS to help you make your decision this election year.

Mitt gets gritty right off the bat, "So many people are rubbing on their messy parts. It's awful, awkward, and germy." and, "I'll chop a squid and mash a pickle and make you drink it." He asks the deep questions, "Is that your underwear up there?" "You gotta ask a black boy, who did it?" and, "Are you a rapist?" He also addresses the hard hitting issues, "Old people are stinky - spike their drink." and most importantly, "Yo momma can't reach my body and touch it. It's my body, ya see?"

Gritty Reboots of Common Conference Stories

I wondered recently in the comments section of Casey's recent post what would happen if cliched conference stories weren't repeated, but rather, rebooted?

We came up with a couple of examples then and there. Casey began:

As streaks of blood obscured his vision, he saw his arm dangling by its last few sinews. The spiritual crocodile slowly approached, and he knew it would only be moments before it finally snapped his neck.

I followed it up with this:

The boy stared at the brine. He wanted--no, needed--to repeat the daily routine, the agrarian chores that were once his bane, but now, his one connection to reality. He pushed back the flood of memories--his father's sordid ties to drug peddlers and crimeland kingpins, his mother's heroin-addled madness, the murdered cop in the trunk of the family car--and laughed. It was an eerie, animalistic laugh, one more fit for an asylum than a barn.With a swift jerk of his arm, he pulled a cucumber from the salty water and whispered, "How alike we are, humans and pickles."

So, consider this post an open call for your own gritty reboots. Write 'em up, long or short, and post them in the comments section, or let us all know which stories are your favorites--or which conference stories are begging for a reboot.

I'll kick things off with a longer story. Picture it, if you will, in the voice of Boyd K. Packer.