And now, the only news that you ever need to read, from the source so unbiased we make a random number generator look like a weighted random number generator.
-After a long hiatus, election season is finally upon us, and gentlemen of good birth are turning their attention to affairs of state, with the first presidential debate held last week. Men of taste unanimously declared Msr. Willard Romney, esq, the runaway winner, citing his "superior elocution," "magnificently rounded calves," and "numerous servants" compared to "that tawdry, swarthy-looking fellow."
-The debate covered topics ranging from healthcare to tax policy, although a CNN panel of undecided voters complained that it sometimes got "a little too, you know, fact-y" and reportedly spent most of the time arguing among themselves whether Coke Zero or Diet Coke was "bubblier."
-Obama seemed to enter the debate unprepared, but the worst moment came during his closing remarks, when to the audience's surprise Hail to the Chief suddenly blared over the speakers. While the music played Joe Biden walked on stage and approached the confused president with an outstretched right hand. When Obama reached to shake, Biden suddenly punched him in the stomach and, as the president keeled over, hit him with a steel chair, shouting obscenities over the boos of the crowd. Experts agree that it was the most shocking political betrayal since Hulk Hogan clotheslined Dukakis in '88.
-Romney, meanwhile, ended the debate with the stirring words, "People in this great country look to have their hopes and dreams restored once again..." He paused and looked at his feet for a few second before continuing. "Dreams... Funny thing about dreams, sometimes they get away from you. Sometimes for decades. But no more. Not today. Not in my America. I didn't want this, never did. Always wanted to be... a DJ. This was never my dream, dad. THIS WAS NEVER MY DREAM!"
-Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson responded vigorously to both candidates throughout the debate, until his fiancee said, "Gary, that's enough! Now can we please change the channel and watch Iron Chef like you promised?" Johnson then stormed angrily into his room, refusing to open the door or field questions from reporters, although Fox News microphones soon picked up what sounded like a choked-up, off-key rendition of Eric Carmen's "All By Myself" inside.
-Recent projections predict that an unprecedented $9.8 billion will be spent on the 2012 election, much of it in the form of unaccountable spending by Super PACs and partisan nonprofits. When asked for his thoughts on campaign finance, American founding father Thomas Jefferson groaned and bit off a reporter's thumb, casting further doubt on the viability of reanimating deceased political figures for interviews. In related news, Alexander Hamilton remains at large after last week's disastrous Q&A on the national debt.
-GOP Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan held a press conference to note that, "It doesn't matter if Romney shows for the next debate or ever again. Let me introduce you to my new running mate, the man who's going to help team GOP take down Obama on November 5th on pay-per-view...Smokin' Joe Biden!" The lights darkened momentarily and when they came back on Joe Biden was onstage with Ryan, their arms raised as reporters booed.
-Romney, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment, but his entourage is in damage control mode after his recent remarks that "47% of ravers will never respect my phat beats" and that it was "not my responsibility to reach out to those [expletives]."
-When asked about his preparation for the remaining debates, Obama's eyes narrowed. "I just gotta do what I gotta do. No, maybe I can't win. Maybe the only thing I can do is just take everything he's got. But to beat me he's gonna have to kill me, and to kill me he's gotta have the guts to stand in front of me, and to do that he's gotta be willin' to die himself. I don't know if he's ready to do that. I don't know. I don't know." Then he donned pair of sweatpants, pushed through the crowd, and began running down the D.C. streets, shouting "BIIIIIDENNNNNN!"