Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Ten Commandments of the Internet

I present unto you, readers, for your consideration, the Fifteen Commandments of the Internet.

Jehovah has given us these Fifteen..... Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!

We live in dark times of trolls and 4chan, and if we abide by these rules, we can rise above the black holes they create.

1. Thou shalt have no offline entertainments before me.

2. Thou shalt not buy unto thee satellite internet.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Safe Haven: A Manly Movie Review

Every now and then, we men need to untuck our fancy dress shirts and be men. Sometimes, we need to loose the societal neckties that bind our masculine throats, smash the beer can of conformity against our stoic foreheads, and pummel the frozen side of beef of a belabored metaphor into oblivion with our Sylvester Stallone fists. Sometimes...we need a Manly Movie. Yes, put on your finest white cotton tank top and your least-soiled boxers, boys, because I'm going to review a movie so masculine it makes each theater it's shown in smell of weight room and wage inequality

Allow me to present my credentials. Please notice that I own Braveheart. Twice.
I speak, of course, of Safe Haven.

A Nicholas Sparks joint.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

American Political Roundup: May 2013 (The Bomb Dot Com Edition)

And now, the news from the source so incredibly balanced we've been called America's vestibular system.

-In the wake of the Boston Marathon bombings, Republican legislators and pundits have called for surviving suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to be tried in a military tribunal as an unlawful enemy combatant, a legal category originally invented as a way to deal with enemy spies in wartime. Republicans, however, appealled to the broader definition introduced by President Bush after 9/11, which defines an enemy combatant as "an individual who is part of or supports the Taliban, al Qaida, MSNBC, or Saddam Hussein; or whose name is sufficiently difficult to pronounce."

-Satan, in a verbal statement from The Infernal Pit, congratulated the Tsarnaev brothers and noted that he was pleased to begin inflicting "most abominable [unintelligible screaming] torments eternal" on Tamerlan Tsarnaev. The Father of Lies also denied being in official contact with the aforementioned GOP leaders.