Thursday, October 26, 2017

My Sorrow

Author's Note: This post is about miscarriage. If that's not a thing you can read about, you should probably skip it.

First things first: Thank you.

It may not be fair to claim, but I think my baby was the most celebrated and loved baby in its short weeks of life in utero. Friends and family alike cheered me on, gave better hugs, and spoiled me with mermaid tail blankets, candy, and quality time.

Unfortunately, sharing my joy also means you get to share my sorrow. On Monday, October 23, I found out that my tiny IVF miracle wasn't alive anymore. That night, I started bleeding and we went to the ER. In the early hours of Tuesday the 24th, I underwent a D&C while my mom and husband tried to rest in the otherwise empty waiting room.

It's odd to start thinking backwards from now. The waves of sorrow, the texts from curious co-workers, the downright theatrical performance of my reproductive system, the perfect weekend we had before it started.

It's only been a handful of days and I'm still processing. My heart is broken and that's about the only thing I'm absolutely certain of.

I've never put less effort into sub plans in my life. I've never thought of a 10 minute walk as my big achievement for a day. I've never put on zero makeup for days in a row because I know it's all gonna come off if I bother to try. I've also never had more ice cream in my freezer and I've never felt closer to my husband.

I still don't believe this is a pain God designed for me. I also don't think this is where this story ends. But this pain is a part of us now.

...

And yes, our joke name Aegon the Unlikely is the real name now.

7 comments:

  1. Oh my sweet friend. I'm so very sorry. No one can truly know what this is like in regards to both the joy and the sorrow. But it's grief and it has waves bigger than you and I and sometimes you just need to let the grief be what it is.
    I think that is also ironic and your sweet baby's earthly mission doesn't get to start, but this new sorrow will remain with you. I didn't know how real grief was until I experienced it myself. It wrapped it arms around me, so tight, I didn't want to breath some days.. And others days it gave me muscular wings of empathy and compassion to say: I understand because I met Grief too.
    Bless you for sharing this with us. I'll be thinking of you guys.

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  2. I'm so sorry Brooke. I love you! Aunt Lynne

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  3. Brooke - I'm so sorry and have felt your loss of miscarriage as well. I know these days are difficult, but may you feel your Savior's loving concern and support for you and your sweet husband. You are in my heart and prayers!

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  4. I've never experienced the loss you are suffering right now, only the ache of wanting a baby. However, my heart aches for you both right now. You are so brave, Brooke.

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  5. Oh Brooke. My heart is broken today with this news. I can't begin to imagine what pain you feel after the long road you took to get pregnant. Time is the greatest healer. But your wounds may never be completely healed, instead, they make you who you are. You are beautiful, and wonderful. You have been a gift to so many that have needed you. I love you dear friend!!! God has not forgotten you. He LOVES you. XOXOX

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  7. Oh sweet Brooke, I had no idea. I’m so very sorry you’ve had to join this “club.” As we’re approaching the anniversary date of our first miscarriage, the pain I feel comes back. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s okay to feel. Sadness, loneliness, happiness, laughter, tears, etc...every single thing - it’s all okay to feel. i love you my friend. I’m here for you. ❤️

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