Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A Very, Very Serious Response to Ordain Women

In the lead-up to and aftermath of the recent General Conference Ordain Women action, many Very Serious Mormon Men have taken it upon themselves to critique the movement for reasons they assure us are entirely benign and even helpful. In that spirit I decided to add one more voice to the ongoing conversation at about women in the church.

Just to establish this up front, I'm not against Ordain Women.

Now, that's not to suggest that I support what they're doing or how or why they did it, but I get their concerns. I sympathize deeply. I also don't question their sincerity, that they're doing what they think is right.

In a sense, I'm on their side: if the Lord ever extends priesthood to women, I'll be the first to celebrate it. I know many women who'd make excellent administrators, teachers, and leaders in the church.

In fact, some of my best friends are women.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

A reminder: What to keep your peepers on today and tomorrow...

Just a reminder to tune in to Conference today...

Peeper F. Uchtdorf will be watching. Won't you?

And while you're watching, be sure to spare some of your attention for the sugary sweet wit and insight (or, as we call it, winsight) as we livetweet Conference. Follow us @ExpertTextperts and enjoy.

Monday, March 31, 2014

General Conference: What Are The Odds 2.0

A couple of years ago, in what became one of our more popular posts, I thought it would be fun to handicap LDS General Conference for the ludomaniacs who comprise a surprisingly high percentage of our readership. Of course, chronic gambling is no laughing matter but Conference...well, if you're going to stay awake for all 8-10 hours a few yucks and a few bucks might not hurt. This year we included predictions from (in no particular order) all of our contributors: Allan, Brett, Brooke, and your humble editor, Casey. Enjoy.

(As with last time, if you're unfamiliar with betting odds, think of it as potential dollars earned per dollar bet. So, 10-1 means every dollar bet earns ten if you win. Smaller ratios mean better odds, and 1-1 is Even or no odds, i.e. nobody would ever bet against it. Over/Under refers to whether you'd bet a result is greater or less than the number given) 

Fun for the whole family!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Why I Support OW

The last week has opened up a flood of information from the voices of amazing, strong women who are not afraid to stand up for what is right.

It has also opened up a flood of depressing attacks from others who do not believe that these women are in the right. Women are speaking out on topics that are strange and unfamiliar, and many fight back because they are not ready to hear new ideas. The paradigm they cling to is not ready to shift. They call out "apostate" and other unkind terms at these wonderful women who want to make changes that will improve their experience in the Church specifically and in the world as a whole.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Tom Phillips Speaks. Kind of.

Regular readers (hi, mom!) know that in the last few weeks we've written once or twice about the fraud charges brought against LDS President Thomas S. Monson in the UK by one Thomas Phillips, a British chappy widely known for being quite unhappy...with Mormonism. Well, in an outcome literally nobody predicted, the charges have been dismissed as being (and I paraphrase) "utterly and completely without any merit whatsoever. I mean, really? REALLY? Take up knitting or something, you insufferable boor." Awkward, right? Anyway, what our aforementioned readers (hi, mom!) might not know is that the esteemed Mr Phillips actually deigned to comment on an earlier post. In response to Brett he wrote,

Thank you for your "expert" analysis. If I had come to you for legal advice I could have saved myself a lot of time and money that could have been spent on more worthwhile pursuits.
I also think comments about a 'half brained' judge extremely unsettling when aimed at a very experienced district judge sitting at the pre-eminent Magistrates Court in England and Wales.
Maybe the 'half brained' remark should be reserved for anonymous internet posters who pontificate on a matter they know nothing about.
See you at trial.

Pictured: Tom Phillips, I assume

Monday, March 17, 2014

Which Conversations Were Those Again?

Some wonderful conversations have been held over recent years, and are continuing to be held, relative to women in the Church and the invaluable contributions we make...Declaring such an objective to be non-negotiable, as you have done, actually detracts from the helpful discussions that Church leaders have held.

con·ver·sa·tion noun

1. an informal talk involving a group of people : the act of talking in an informal way

2. exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas

3. A form of interactive, spontaneous communication between two or more people... It is polite give and take of subjects thought of by people talking with each other for company...Contributions to a conversation are response reactions to what has previously been said. They are essentially of an interactive nature

Synonyms :
chat, colloquy, converse, dialogue (also dialog), discourse, discussion, exchange

(Source. Other Source. What the heck am I talking about?) Any relationship between this post title and that of adjacent ones on at the time of posting is entirely intentional but is not necessarily meant to be read as a response to said posts nor to foster ill will with writer[s] thereof.)

Friday, March 14, 2014

Tribute to Meridian Magazine (a Flowchart)

Lately, as periodically happens in the Mormon blogo-world (someone should think of a catchy nickname for that, like "blogference" or something. Like, blog conference. Get it?)...anyway, lately the venerable Meridian Magazine has been a topic of discussion in some circles. The online independent LDS magazine has recently produced, among other things, a...fascinating...attempt to harmonize a literal Genesis flood account with modern science, a fawning paean, and a scathing attack on the Ordain Women Movement and its secular media enablers. However, I've noticed that some people seem to miss the point of articles like this when discussing them. Therefore, as a community service I produced this thoroughly researched yet immediately accessible visual aid demonstrating Meridian's manifest value to the online LDS community, which in many ways goes to the very core of our religious identity. Enjoy.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Tom Phillips Vindicated: Shocking New Revelations on Mormon Leaders' Nefarious Schemes

In light of the recent lawsuit filed against LDS President Thomas S. Monson by disaffected Mormon Thomas Phillips, owner of, Expert Textperts has elected to released the following, which was transcribed from a secret recording device in an undisclosed location in Church headquarters. For legal reasons the exact date of the recording and its participants will not be disclosed.

Voice 1: Thank you for stopping by today.

Voice 2: Good to see you, <redacted>

Voice 3: How are you?

V2: Good, good.

V3: Well, let’s get down to business. Shall we start with a prayer?

(sound of all three chuckling)

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

A Manifesto on Gay Marriage: Testifying the Truth

This post began as a kind of dark satire, but instead morphed into an (admittedly twisted) attempt to write the worst Mormon blog post ever. Or maybe it's still a satire. Either way it's definitely an exercise in seeing how many people actually read italics.

I want to make it clear that I harbor no animosity towards homosexuals.

I shouldn’t have to include that disclaimer, but in our relativistic, liberal society there are those who believe that any opposition to the gay agenda is motivated by anger or hatred, just as any opposition to their president is motivated by racism. They'll call me hateful. They'll call me a bigot. It just goes to show how “tolerant” those kinds of people really are.

But in a fallen world, sometimes you have to stand up.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

My Brief Rebuttal to Tad Callister (A Flowchart)

"Women particularly can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self-respect and to the moral purity of men. In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for."
-Tad. R. Callister.

(by request, click here if you don't get it)