Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Quick Guide to Current Events (In Haiku)

Here at Expert Textperts, we know that the world is complicated. There's a lot going on, especially right now, and it's hard to keep up with everything all at once. That, as always, is where we step in: to provide you the hard news and insight you need in the mere seconds you have, while also providing the benefits of a solid cultural education in the ancient form of haiku (it is a sign of the mainstream media's utter depravity that very little of the so-called "news" you get from them is in verse. Can you believe those a**holes?)

So sit back and enjoy, knowing that in a mere 20-35 seconds you will be a better informed citizen of this great country, whichever based on my traffic statistics is for you probably somewhere in the former Soviet Union.

Monday, July 21, 2014

The Metaphorical Ton of Bricks

Most days in our lives, we go about our business. Everyone's day is different, but most of the 7.046 billion people on Earth have established routines.

Every day, some of those 7.046 billion people are going to hit a rough patch. Maybe a client yells at them, a lover's tiff upsets their rhythm, or the grocery store runs out of their favorite brand of chips. Small problems are a part of life.

Small problem for a small person: extra small. via

Unfortunately, there are big problems too. In the English language, many refer to the arrival of a big problem as getting hit by a ton of bricks. The imagery provokes a gruesome scene, but the metaphorical ton of bricks is not so bombastic.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Loud Music: An Odyssey of Aggression

This post has no particular purpose other than to broadcast my deeply held belief that sometimes the best cure to a bad day is some old fashioned loud, angry music. Today was a bad day--nothing major, just a culmination of minor frustrations incidental to capitalism and modernity and all that. So I invite you to join me on a self-indulgent musical odyssey through the healing power of rage from a baker's dozen of my favorite metal songs. Sometimes it's all the soul needs.

Metal aficionados will note that this list as a strong early-aughts bias. Congratulations: you have correctly identified when I attended high school and actively sought out this kind of music! Enjoy.

1. Killswitch Engage - Self Revolution.

Slow down the fast paced world
And you will see past the illusion

Sunday, June 29, 2014

The First Presidency Strikes Back (A Few Scattered Thoughts on Priesthood)

The First Presidency has finally spoken, albeit indirectly, on the matter of Kate Kelly and Ordain Women. Here are a few thoughts this Sunday morning, presented in list form to spare me the trouble of having to organize my writing into cohesive paragraphs:

1. It's genuinely nice to see something directly from the Office of the First Presidency rather than another statement from paid spokespeople. It's not Pope Francis visiting the poor and the marginalized, but it's not nothing.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Equality = Sameness. Let's Get Started.

You know what I'm sick of? Differences between the sexes.

Ugh. You can't spend five minutes around a bunch of men and women before noticing that they're just so frustratingly, ineffably different. It makes me sick. That is why today, in the name of feminism, liberalism, and all that is good, I'd like to issue a call to once and forever eradicate all differences between men and women.

Why would I advocate this? I want to make my reasoning perfectly clear: I believe that men and women should be fully equal. Equal in civic matters. Equal in business. Equal in religion. And the one thing standing in the way of that is that men and women are just too damned different. This has to end.


Sunday, June 22, 2014

A Message

Today is a hard day. I, like many others, have endured a lot of trials in the last week and a half since the news broke that Kate Kelly and John Dehlin were facing excommunication.

Fortunately, not everyone has been cruel or unkind, and this is what I want to bring to others today. We need strength as a community, so I am sending this missive into the void in hopes that it brings happiness to my friends today.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Perceived Threats

As any of my close friends (and several not-very-close friends) can tell you, I have spent a lot of time working in restaurants.

If you have worked in a restaurant before, you know that every person serves an important purpose in the restaurant. If you haven't, let me demonstrate: The cooks work together to prepare the food before a shift, then cook it together on a line of anywhere from 3 to 10 men. They place their hard work in a "window" under heat lamps where a manager, assistant manager, or food runner add the final preparations: spoons, knives, napkins, or other small embellishes. Once the plate is picture perfect (at least it had to be in most of the places where I worked), either a food runner or servers will take the food from the window to the specific table and seat number, placing it neatly in front of the diner. The diner has at this point already given their order to an exhausted server, hopefully with minor modifications if any, after having been shown to a free and clean table by the host or hostess on shift. The table was cleaned by bussers probably only minutes (at times moments) before the diners sat down. So, bringing you a good dinner at a restaurant takes about 10-15 people working together, not including the staff behind the kitchen endlessly cleaning dishes and bringing them back out for use in the kitchen and on the restaurant floor.

Hopefully all 10-15 of them cleaned their hands. via

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Response To The Mormon Newsroom: Why Lie?

Well, as a blogger who sometimes writes about Mormon stuff I picked a terrible day to drive from from California to Utah. While Facebook has exploded with opinions on the church's decision initiate disciplinary action against Mormon activists and lightning rods Kate Kelly and John Dehlin, here I am in the hellhole of central Utah trying to keep up on a 1x data connection (regular readers might remember that I once rolled an SUV in this part of the state--don't worry, my wife is driving this leg. Also, to any residents of central Utah, I sincerely apologize that you have to live in this hellhole).

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Jesus' PR Department: Context Missing From Pharisee Accusations

The following is a recently discovered letter from the little-known figure of antiquity, Michal Ottiah, managing director of Public Affairs for The Way of the Kingdom of God of Jesus the Messiah, ca 33 CE, when the Master was unavailable for comment.

Comments at various synagogues over recent months about what Jesus and his disciples should or not think about believers' roles as chosen people of the LORD prompt me to provide some context from an insider's perspective that may be helpful.

Recently, a Pharisee said the following:

"This man is not of God, because he keepeth not the Sabbath day." Others have said, "How can a man that is a sinner do such miracles?"

The point is a noteworthy one, namely that Jews who describe themselves as Pharisees don't necessarily seek to condemn Jesus, but rather to genuinely follow the entire Law of Moses as they understand it.

There are three specific criticisms that have been raised that will be addressed here:

Criticism 1: Jesus does that which is not lawful to do on the Sabbath day.