Monday, September 15, 2014

I Don't Want To See Your Underwear: In Which I Complain About Garments

Let's talk about your underwear. Is that weird? I think that must be pretty weird. But I guess not that weird. After all, I'm Mormon. Chances are you are too. Depending on how you participate in the chuch, your underwear are kind of a big deal. It's possible, for example, that you participate in a biennial ritual in which an ordained church authority specifically asks if you're wearing your underwear in an approved fashion as defined by an esoteric ritual tying them with the creation of mankind. Yeah, that's definitely a little weird. So let's dive right in and talk about Mormon garments.

Garments essentially serve two roles in the LDS community. The first, which I'll call their explicit role, is as a personal reminder of covenants made in the temple. This is how garments are almost universally described in official talks and publications: they are outward but hidden. Sometimes garments are tied to modesty, with the assumption that they will be entirely covered and thus encourage proper, normative modes of dress. But I'd venture that most Mormons would agree that their primary purpose is to daily reinforce a personal covenant relationship with God.

Hey, hey. Let's cover those thighs, White Adam.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Religion on Broadway Part II: Repression

Author's note: This is a continuation of my review of The Book of Mormon musical. You can find the first post here: Religion on Broadway Part I: Arrival

Turn It Off perfectly highlights a common problem among Mormons (one we've seen a lot of lately). We have a lot of trouble with just accepting that people have problems and need to work them out. As I have been public about my support of OW and other more liberal ideas, I've been called an apostate and told I'm going to hell for not perfectly following every last word anyone above me ever said.

So jumping back into where we left off, the more experienced elders in Uganda are trying to help Elder Price through his confusion. The district leader takes the lead and compares Price's confusion over missionary work to his own struggle: his gay thoughts.


For this post, you need to at least read the lyrics to Turn it Off, (although I do recommend you listen to the song to hear the talented actors really bring it to life) so here you have the abridged version of the words:
ELDER MCKINLEY:
I got a feeling,
That you could be feeling,
A whole lot better then you feel today
You say you got a problem,
well that's no problem,
It's super easy not to feel that way!

When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,
Don't feel those feelings!
Hold them in instead

Turn it off, like a light switch
just go click!
It's a cool little Mormon trick!
We do it all the time
When you're feeling certain feels that just don't feel right
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
and turn em off,
Like a light switch just go bap!
Really what's so hard about that?
Turn it off! (Turn it off!)

When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend Steve Blade,
He and I were close as two friends could be
One thing led to another, and soon I would discover,
I was having really strange feelings for Steve

I thought about us, on a deserted Island
We'd swim naked in the sea, and then he'd try and...

WHOA! Turn if off, like a light switch,
there it's gone! (Good for you!)
My hetero side just won!
I'm all better now,
Boys should be with girls that's Heavenly Father's plan
So if you ever feel you'd rather be with a man,
Turn it off.

ELDER PRICE:
Well Elder McKinley, I think its okay that you're having gay thoughts,
just so long as you never act on them.

ELDER MCKINLEY:
No, because then you're just keeping it down,
Like a dimmer switch on low, (On low!)
Thinking nobody needs to know! (Uh oh!)

ELDER PRICE:
But that's not true!

ELDER MCKINLEY:
Being gay is bad, but lying is worse,
So just realize you have a curable curse, turn it off!

ELDER MCKINLEY:
When you're feeling certain feelings that just don't seem right!
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light!
Turn it off! (Like a light switch, shut it off!)

This song is a perfect example of one of the most interesting aspects of the entire production: the outsider's perspective.

There are so many parts of the show that are so perfect. The garment line under every missionary's shirt. The name tags. The naiveté. The companionship struggles. The general feeling towards being gay. The missionary apartment right down to the picture of Christ hanging above the door.

You know the one.

But there are some parts that are obviously coming from outsiders. Ancient upstate New York. "Praise Christ!" Spooky Mormon Hell Dream (okay, maybe some Mormons have had it; I haven't).

Turn It Off is a funny combination of both. I frequently see in my fellow Mormons that tendency to avoid hard questions and pretend they were never there. They turn it off. I have heard plenty of stories similar to the one in the song about Elder McKinley and his deep-seated need to turn off his feelings for Steve—even stories wherein Bishops and other leaders have recommended "turning off" those feelings. I don't see this everywhere or every time, but it's one of our problems that pops up now and again.

From the outside, these few strange stories combined with the occasional genuinely happy Mormon face in a sad world creates an outsider's perspective that Mormons are taught in Sunday School just how to turn off any and all negativity. While fun and interesting to see, I don't think this is at all an accurate representation of us as a religion. Part of getting to be truly happy is dealing with the negativity head on and overcoming it. We've all had hard or bad times, but with time and concerted effort, it's possible to rise above the bad rather than repressing it.

But repression always ends well!
A part of me wishes I could see the show as a non-Mormon to better understand that outsider view and why they say the things they say about Mormons, but I also want to underscore the fact that my Mormon perspective helps me understand that the writers Trey Parker and Matt Stone are not trying to make fun of Mormons. We're a prop, and my last part will help explain why they really prove in the end how much they love Mormons.

We Mormons are seen as a little strange and needy and may occasionally insist that our way is the best way, and then, sometimes, people believe us. When they do, and the timing is right and everything is working, we help them find a kind of paradise.

To be completed in Part III: Sal Tlay Ka Siti

________________________________
Cross-posted to Approaching Justice

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Religion on Broadway Part I: Arrival

For those of you who do not obsessively follow our facebook presence, my husband Casey and I recently returned home from a week and a half long vacation on the East coast. We spent 6 days in New York City, so of course our first priority was seeing The Book of Mormon on Broadway.


How do I even begin to describe this show? The experience?

If you've never had the good fortune of seeing any show on Broadway, I highly recommend it. I have now seen three shows on Broadway, and the performances, costumes, acting, singing, etc. are always spectacular. I don't know how the Tony voters ever manage to choose their favorites, because the presentations are pristine.

The Book of Mormon is no exception. Being the kind of Mormon who enjoys watching South Park, it was right up my alley in a lot of ways, but I'll start by giving a run down of the story and few thoughts before I dive into why I really loved the show (spoilers beyond this point, obviously, but I'll try not to ruin the whole show if you intend to see it some day).

Sunday, August 17, 2014

A Ridiculously Early Primer to the 2016 Presidential Election

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Expert Textperts is a leading authority in modern political reporting, and as such it's our duty to inform readers about the imminent presidential election, which is (as of this posting) a mere 814 days away. Accordingly we humbly present a comprehensive preview of frontrunners in the race to become the next High Priest of America, the greatest nation ever. Read on and enjoy.

To begin, we'll cover the party of small government, liberty, and God (probably).

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Why Am I Sharing or Commenting On This Post I Hate? (A Checklist in Gifs)

First of all...you really want to do this? Like, really?


Well...okay. I'm not here to judge you. I'm just here to provide a handy way of sorting our your feelings on exactly why you're going to put yourself through this. Please check all that apply.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Quick Guide to Current Events (In Haiku)

Here at Expert Textperts, we know that the world is complicated. There's a lot going on, especially right now, and it's hard to keep up with everything all at once. That, as always, is where we step in: to provide you the hard news and insight you need in the mere seconds you have, while also providing the benefits of a solid cultural education in the ancient form of haiku (it is a sign of the mainstream media's utter depravity that very little of the so-called "news" you get from them is in verse. Can you believe those a**holes?)

So sit back and enjoy, knowing that in a mere 20-35 seconds you will be a better informed citizen of this great country, whichever based on my traffic statistics is for you probably somewhere in the former Soviet Union.


Monday, July 21, 2014

The Metaphorical Ton of Bricks

Most days in our lives, we go about our business. Everyone's day is different, but most of the 7.046 billion people on Earth have established routines.

Every day, some of those 7.046 billion people are going to hit a rough patch. Maybe a client yells at them, a lover's tiff upsets their rhythm, or the grocery store runs out of their favorite brand of chips. Small problems are a part of life.

Small problem for a small person: extra small. via

Unfortunately, there are big problems too. In the English language, many refer to the arrival of a big problem as getting hit by a ton of bricks. The imagery provokes a gruesome scene, but the metaphorical ton of bricks is not so bombastic.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Loud Music: An Odyssey of Aggression

This post has no particular purpose other than to broadcast my deeply held belief that sometimes the best cure to a bad day is some old fashioned loud, angry music. Today was a bad day--nothing major, just a culmination of minor frustrations incidental to capitalism and modernity and all that. So I invite you to join me on a self-indulgent musical odyssey through the healing power of rage from a baker's dozen of my favorite metal songs. Sometimes it's all the soul needs.

Metal aficionados will note that this list as a strong early-aughts bias. Congratulations: you have correctly identified when I attended high school and actively sought out this kind of music! Enjoy.

1. Killswitch Engage - Self Revolution.


Slow down the fast paced world
And you will see past the illusion

Sunday, June 29, 2014

The First Presidency Strikes Back (A Few Scattered Thoughts on Priesthood)

The First Presidency has finally spoken, albeit indirectly, on the matter of Kate Kelly and Ordain Women. Here are a few thoughts this Sunday morning, presented in list form to spare me the trouble of having to organize my writing into cohesive paragraphs:

1. It's genuinely nice to see something directly from the Office of the First Presidency rather than another statement from paid spokespeople. It's not Pope Francis visiting the poor and the marginalized, but it's not nothing.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Equality = Sameness. Let's Get Started.

You know what I'm sick of? Differences between the sexes.

Ugh. You can't spend five minutes around a bunch of men and women before noticing that they're just so frustratingly, ineffably different. It makes me sick. That is why today, in the name of feminism, liberalism, and all that is good, I'd like to issue a call to once and forever eradicate all differences between men and women.

Why would I advocate this? I want to make my reasoning perfectly clear: I believe that men and women should be fully equal. Equal in civic matters. Equal in business. Equal in religion. And the one thing standing in the way of that is that men and women are just too damned different. This has to end.

UGH