Candidate #1: Enraged Elderly Conservative Internet Comment Writer
Pros: If we're going to heal this nation, we need our officials to begin reaching across the aisle. What better way to do that than to reach waaaaay across the aisle? I can almost see the state department press releases now: "On behaalf of "president" Barrack HUSSEIN Obummer..."
Cons: I'm almost certain there's some prophecy in the Revelation of St. John about this exact situation.
Pros: If there's one guy who understands the importance of tact and the power of thoughtful reservation, well, then we should probably find that guy and make him Secretary of State. In the meantime, though, why not put controversial extreme-right-wing painter Jon McNaughton in the position? Best case scenario, he and the president begrudgingly gain a newfound respect for each other while learning an important lesson about friendship and the common human ties that bind us all, presumably while "Solsbury Hill" plays in the background.
Candidate #3: This Real-Life Superhero
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LOOK AT HIS STEELY GAZE. |
Cons: While spraying a noxious chemical substance into a crowd of people is certainly something a comic book plot would contain, I question whether the super hero would be the one doing the spraying. Oh, wait, maybe he's one of those edgy 90's comic book heroes?
Ugh. Never mind. I don't want to suggest him anymore.
Candidate #4: Water-logged Corpse of Osama bin Laden
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Pictured: rather dry still-living body of Osama bin Laden |
Cons: I honestly can't think of a single reason the American public would object to this. Oh, wait! Did you ever realize that Obama kind of sounds like...
I think I know the secret identity of the real-life superhero! It's Doakes!
ReplyDeleteOh man...I think I just changed my mind about him yet again...
Delete(Fade from white)
ReplyDeleteNarrator: "He was a successful politician"
(Scenes of Obama giving speeches, shaking hands).
"...and he was his his biggest critic"
(McNaughton painting and anti-Obama picture, looking angry)
"Until one day..."
(Aid walks up to Obama and says) "Mr President, we need support from both sides to pass this bill."
Obama: "There's no way we're going to get that."
Aid: "There is one thing...Americans see you as aloof, out of touch" (quick cut to a later scene) "What if we brought on someone the other side can relate to?"
(Cut to McNaughton on the phone): "No!"
(Cut to Obama): "No way."
(Cut to McNaughton on phone): "Not a chance."
(cut to Obama): "No, no, no."
Narrator: This summer...
(McNaughton brought to White House door to meet Obama):
Aid: "Meet your new Secretary of State!"
McNaughton: "Nice to meet you, destroyer of America."
(Cut to later scene) Obama: "This was a mistake."
(Cut to later scene) McNaughton (shouting): I took this job because I CARE
Obama: "And you think that I DON'T?"
(Cut to scene of both men decorating pies; Obama accidently gets whippped cream on McNaughton's hand, McNaughton pies Obama in the face)
Narrator: "...Bipartisan...gets a whole new meaning"
(Cut to later scene) McNaughton: "Look, here's what you need to do..."
Obama: "That will never work."
McNaughton: "It has to."
(Scenes of both men looking over papers, bickering in front of an audience.)
(Cut to McNaughton's Wife): "Are you really trying to help him?"
(Cut to a Joe Biden): "Is he really trying to help you?"
(Cut to Obama and McNaughton responding simultaneously): "I guess we'll find out"
(cue Solsbury Hill)
(Scenes of Obama and McNaughton in a full-fledged pie fight, laughing. Obama and McNaughton pranking a Secret Service Agent, arguing with each other)
(Music abruptly cuts off, cut to Obama speaking to McNaughton)
Obama: "You know I can't stand you, right?"
(Brief pause) McNaughton: "...yeah"
(Music resumes)
Narrator: "Morgan Freeman...Paul Giamatti, in...Painting the Nation."
This brings a tear of joy to my eye. If only...
DeleteI needed that chuckle today. Totally why I keep coming back!
DeleteI knew there was a reason I married you. :)
DeleteI just can't stand such obvious Oscar baiting
Delete