Thursday, November 29, 2012

The 4 Most (Least) Likely Candidates for Secretary of State

With Secretary Hilary Clinton stepping down as Secretary of State in January, the Obama administration is looking at possible replacements. I understand this process can be difficult, so, I am going to help them out. I ask nothing in return except for a brief mention in a newsroom speech and a personal fleet of Predator drones.

Candidate #1: Enraged Elderly Conservative Internet Comment Writer
"What do you think, Mabel?"
"It needs more expletives, Gerald."
Pros: If we're going to heal this nation, we need our officials to begin reaching across the aisle. What better way to do that than to reach waaaaay across the aisle? I can almost see the state department press releases now: "On behaalf of "president" Barrack HUSSEIN Obummer..."
Cons: I'm almost certain there's some prophecy in the Revelation of St. John about this exact situation.

Candidate #2: Jon McNaughton
Clearly a plea for a post in the Obama administration.
Pros: If there's one guy who understands the importance of tact and the power of thoughtful reservation, well, then we should probably find that guy and make him Secretary of State. In the meantime, though, why not put controversial extreme-right-wing painter Jon McNaughton in the position? Best case scenario, he and the president begrudgingly gain a newfound respect for each other while learning an important lesson about friendship and the common human ties that bind us all, presumably while "Solsbury Hill" plays in the background.
Cons: The worst case scenario is literally any other possible scenario.

Candidate #3: This Real-Life Superhero
Pros: Wouldn't the greatest choice for any public office be someone who is automatically associated with serving the public and fighting injustice? I don't know about you, but I would support Batman in any public office our nation can provide. Unfortunately, of course, superheroes exist only in comics (and books, and video games, and movies, and TV shows, and...). However, are you aware of the "Real-Life Superhero" movement from a couple of years ago? It kind of arose from the popularity of The Dark Knight, and resulted in a lot of YouTube videos that somehow made you feel embarrassed in their place just by watching them. Still, with regards to the guy above, you have to admire his dedication
Cons: While spraying a noxious chemical substance into a crowd of people is certainly something a comic book plot would contain, I question whether the super hero would be the one doing the spraying. Oh, wait, maybe he's one of those edgy 90's comic book heroes?

Ugh. Never mind. I don't want to suggest him anymore.

Candidate #4: Water-logged Corpse of Osama bin Laden
Pictured: rather dry still-living body of Osama bin Laden
Pros: Has already almost single-handedly guided US foreign policy over the pas eleven years. Plus, with the application of a simple cardboard sign saying "Hey, which president got me again? I forget," he becomes a walking (well...hopefully not walking) advertisement for the current administration.
Cons: I honestly can't think of a single reason the American public would object to this. Oh, wait! Did you ever realize that Obama kind of sounds like...


  1. I think I know the secret identity of the real-life superhero! It's Doakes!

    1. Oh man...I think I just changed my mind about him yet again...

  2. (Fade from white)

    Narrator: "He was a successful politician"

    (Scenes of Obama giving speeches, shaking hands).

    "...and he was his his biggest critic"

    (McNaughton painting and anti-Obama picture, looking angry)

    "Until one day..."

    (Aid walks up to Obama and says) "Mr President, we need support from both sides to pass this bill."

    Obama: "There's no way we're going to get that."

    Aid: "There is one thing...Americans see you as aloof, out of touch" (quick cut to a later scene) "What if we brought on someone the other side can relate to?"

    (Cut to McNaughton on the phone): "No!"

    (Cut to Obama): "No way."

    (Cut to McNaughton on phone): "Not a chance."

    (cut to Obama): "No, no, no."

    Narrator: This summer...

    (McNaughton brought to White House door to meet Obama):

    Aid: "Meet your new Secretary of State!"

    McNaughton: "Nice to meet you, destroyer of America."

    (Cut to later scene) Obama: "This was a mistake."

    (Cut to later scene) McNaughton (shouting): I took this job because I CARE

    Obama: "And you think that I DON'T?"

    (Cut to scene of both men decorating pies; Obama accidently gets whippped cream on McNaughton's hand, McNaughton pies Obama in the face)

    Narrator: "...Bipartisan...gets a whole new meaning"

    (Cut to later scene) McNaughton: "Look, here's what you need to do..."

    Obama: "That will never work."

    McNaughton: "It has to."

    (Scenes of both men looking over papers, bickering in front of an audience.)

    (Cut to McNaughton's Wife): "Are you really trying to help him?"

    (Cut to a Joe Biden): "Is he really trying to help you?"

    (Cut to Obama and McNaughton responding simultaneously): "I guess we'll find out"

    (cue Solsbury Hill)

    (Scenes of Obama and McNaughton in a full-fledged pie fight, laughing. Obama and McNaughton pranking a Secret Service Agent, arguing with each other)

    (Music abruptly cuts off, cut to Obama speaking to McNaughton)

    Obama: "You know I can't stand you, right?"

    (Brief pause) McNaughton: "...yeah"

    (Music resumes)

    Narrator: "Morgan Freeman...Paul Giamatti, in...Painting the Nation."

    1. This brings a tear of joy to my eye. If only...

    2. I needed that chuckle today. Totally why I keep coming back!

    3. I knew there was a reason I married you. :)

    4. I just can't stand such obvious Oscar baiting