Saturday, February 11, 2012

Surviving Valentine’s: For Men, From Women

As we come up on the most widely loved/hated holiday in the history of everything, I can’t help but notice that some males (definitely not my husband) (read: my husband) seem to be floundering with what to do for their sweethearts. For many the plan seems to be nothing more than to avoid failure. I have compiled a guide of my own opinions that may or may not reflect the opinions of other females, but just might be helpful for a few of you floundering males out there.

Really? All you have to worry about is which Ninja Turtle will be on your Valentine.

You may think you are attempting to hit a target blindfolded, but we do not mean for you to feel this way! We probably have something special in mind for you, and all we ask is that you do the same for us. Follow these steps and you probably won’t totally screw up this 14th of February for her.

Step 1. Do not dare to assume she doesn’t want anything. I know she says she doesn’t want anything. This is a lie. This is not a trap, we just sometimes want you to feel like we’re not as high maintenance as we apparently are. If she says she doesn’t want anything, write her a letter or just a card to tell her she's special, and maybe buy her a couple of flowers. She will be pleasantly surprised, and even have something sweet to save in her journal/memory/scrapbook.

Take THAT, Valentine!

Step 2. Do something you don’t usually do. If you normally just watch movies at home, go out. If you can’t afford it, hit a dollar theater of set up a fort at home. Just make it different. On Valentine’s Day, anything different makes us feel special.

Step 3. Mealtime. Be it dinner, lunch, brunch, breakfast, or even just a snack during the day, make it different. If she normally does the cooking, and you can’t cook, take her out. If you can’t afford something fancy, just pick up some Mexican and put it on a nice plate. Eat in the fort or set up candles. Buy a bottle of Martinelli’s. Have a picnic outdoors if the weather allows, or indoors if it doesn’t. Again, different is special.

Believe me, it's not like they're under-stocked on this stuff... in Utah.

Step 4. Be a gentleman. I know there are those in the feminist movement who insist that chivalry is a terrible anti-feminist thing, but if your lady does not feel so strongly, open doors for her. Tip your invisible cap. Do something you don’t normally do. I reiterate, different is special.

Step 5. Thank her for a great evening/day/morning. Whatever it is that has happened throughout the day/month/year, thank her for her effort. Give her a kiss on the cheek, hug her, dance with her, just be sweet in general, and she will love you for it. Don’t forget, different is special. Now, for the record, I myself have hated on February 14th for as long as I can remember, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a terrible day (unless you make yourself a pity cake and your roommate eats the entire thing) (not that I have experience in that area...).

Truer words were ne'er spoken.

No matter what happens though, have fun! Even if everything gets screwed up, laugh about it, and one day it will make for a great story.

DISCLAIMER: This guide is partly for the use of my husband, but in general meant to be helpful for anyone. If your lady hates you for having done anything on this list, it is not my fault for trying to help!

Also: For the simplified version of my advice, just read the words in bold.