Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Race to become Chief Judge

This isn't really a political post, in the sense that I have any important points to make. It's more of a weird Athena-like idea that popped into my head and pounded against my skull until I allowed it to break free. Think of it as "likening the scriptures unto us" upside-down. It started with a bit too much Politico and a few bad puns. The result was this:

Nephite Times

5 Things We Learned from the Last Republicite Debate

1. Romni is still the frontrunner
His opponents’ accusations of stiffneckedness and vanity failed to hit home this time, with Romni maintaining a tight focus on reestablishing commerce throughout all the land and on helping every man to labor with his own hands. He even went after Santoriantum on religion, arguing that the cause of the Christians was best served by any candidate holding the traditions of the fathers regardless of his manner of worship. Nevertheless his costly apparel and great wealth make it hard for him to relate to the poor, which may hurt in the general Chief Judge election.



2. Santoriantum is having trouble capitalizing
Despite Romni’s solid performance he still struggles to gain traction in the lands southward. Santoriantum should be able to leverage this by calling attention to his own righteousness, but has has trouble raising even an ezrom for each onti the Romn campaign spends. He has also been forced to respond to Democrite accusations that he would violate the law and compel men to believe in Christ, which has scared away some moderates.

3. Ginghidoni is fading
Social conservatives continue to criticize his past whoredoms and abominations, though he insists his repentance is sincere. Santoriantum has emerged as the clear “anti-Romni” candidate in his place, and conservatives aren't buying that Ginghidoni is the true heir to Reageum as he claims. Despite his early success, it seems he ran faster than he had strength. He may still prove to be a thorn in Santoriantum’s side as he leads some anti-Romni voters carefully away after him.

4. Paulhorun is in it to the end
Though he stands little chance of winning, his platform that most taxes are too grievous to bear and that lesser judges, not chief judges, should decree laws, has resonated with a dedicated core of supporters. Peaceniks flock to him when he says that Republicites and Democrites have fomented war throughout all the land, though some are unsure of his claims that Lamanite aggression originates with Nephite wickedness and not the traditions of their fathers, which are not correct. Santoriantum and Romni have harshly accused Paulhorun - and Obamanihah - of “apologizing” for being Nephites and for refusing to take up arms in defense of liberty.

5. Obamanihah may be difficult to beat
If Romni wins his nomination, the conservative base, which has accused the Chief Judge of being a king-man and a follower of Nehor, may have trouble getting excited about a candidate who once proudly claimed to work with Democrites. Democrites will paint any Republicite, especially Romni, as a lover of filthy lucre who trods the poor underfoot. Republicites, however, will continue to charge Obamanihah with sitting on his throne in a thoughtless stupor amidst ongoing wars and tribulations, and Obamanihah’s continuation of many Abush-era policies might depress Democrite turnout.

4 comments:

  1. Words cannot express my joy. I will do what I can spread this message throughout the land.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The names are my favorite part. Nice!

    ReplyDelete

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