Saturday, February 22, 2014

Tom Phillips Vindicated: Shocking New Revelations on Mormon Leaders' Nefarious Schemes

In light of the recent lawsuit filed against LDS President Thomas S. Monson by disaffected Mormon Thomas Phillips, owner of, Expert Textperts has elected to released the following, which was transcribed from a secret recording device in an undisclosed location in Church headquarters. For legal reasons the exact date of the recording and its participants will not be disclosed.

Voice 1: Thank you for stopping by today.

Voice 2: Good to see you, <redacted>

Voice 3: How are you?

V2: Good, good.

V3: Well, let’s get down to business. Shall we start with a prayer?

(sound of all three chuckling)

V1: Okay, enough of that. Now that you’ve been appointed to the Quorum of the Twelve, we’ve got to go over some administrative matters. Of course, you remember we had a similar meeting when you were called as a Seventy. Now that you've advanced in rank, there’s more to cover.

V3: We’re looking forward to working with you, <redacted>, but you've got to know what you’re getting into (laugh)

V2: Hah! Well, I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t easy keeping a straight face when you had me give that General Conference talk on the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon right after we met!

V1: And honestly, that was a test. We needed to know that you could still speak convincingly after we told you what we actually know…

V3: Which you did fantastically…

V1: …and that’s one reason we feel you’ll succeed as an apostle. (shuffling of papers). Here’s your information packet. You’ll need to study this thoroughly later, but for now let’s go over some of the highlights. First of all, the Pearl of Great Price. You’ll remember from your Seventy training that it’s all a known forgery…

V2: Of course.

V1: But the packet provides a few additional details about Joseph and Heber C Kimball drafting it in order to lay the foundations for polygamy.

V3: And wait until you get to the part about Joseph’s other polygamous wives. You won’t find that on the internet!

V1: There’s also a very brief outline of the fourth and fifth First Vision accounts.

V2: Outline?

V1: I’m afraid only the first presidency has access to the full text.

V2: Fair enough.

V1: And frankly, there’s a lot in here that you’ve probably already picked up on having worked in church headquarters for so long. Some people here gossip more than they should…

V3: Hey, don’t look at me; I keep all the protocols! (laughs)

V1: Nevertheless, there’s been a great deal of information leaked that apostates have used to damage us, which has severely curtailed potential profits over the last decade. That’s why the second half of the packet is primarily concerned with member interaction. You remember what you were taught as a new Seventy?

V2: Tithing, tithing, tithing.

V1: Correct. Revenue is key to everything we’re doing. I can’t say much, but the time is coming when we leaders can move far beyond the level of comfortable affluence we currently enjoy at the expense…sorry, from the generosity of members. (background laughter)

V2: Interesting.

V3: Don't get too excited. I’ve been here for years and they still haven’t told me what the exact plan is!

V1: But the main thing to understand is that there is a plan, and if you stick to the script you will be rewarded.

V3: Treasures on earth, am I right? (chuckles)

V1: Which is why it’s critical that we teach members the absolute most literal, irrational, and absurd doctrines we can. Dismiss the science, marginalize scholars, and so on. We work closely with the correlation committee on this matter…

V3: Can you believe it, some of those rubes are still believers?

V1: …but the ultimate end goal is always tithing. We need revenue, especially from our American members.

V2: So the mall in Salt Lake…the property and temple building…

V1: That’s all explained in the packet, as far as you need to know as a junior partner. The most important thing I want you to remember is you must keep up the facade at all times. I cannot stress enough that even your closest family and friends must take you for the most devout, literal believing member. Even <redacted> here takes that injunction seriously. If the truth comes out we’re ruined. The world must never know that we’ve been deliberately lying this whole time.

V3: We’ve been worried that the Catholics would break code, but they’ve held firm, and if they can do it…

V2: I know. You can trust me.

V1: I believe we can. Thanks for your time, <redacted>. I’ll need that packet returned in full within 48 hours. Leave it in your office meanwhile, and lock the door.

V2: Thanks, <redacted>.

(shuffling and footsteps)

V3: (voice fading) Say, <redacted>, we haven’t even mentioned our special cafeteria! Talk about <indecipherable> tithing! <indecipherable> lobster, foie gras <indecipherable>

(recording ends)