Baptism is Not Wedding Prep for Little Girls

Okay, first things first, my disclaimer:

Beware, all ye who read this. I would like you to read this because I believe it is important, but please consider what you read for a few minutes before responding, and definitely read the entire post, especially if it makes you angry, because this is my feminist rant about LDS baptismal traditions.

Before I am accused of being apostate: I do think that 8 year olds are capable of making the decision to be baptized, I do think they shouldn't feel pressure to choose it, and I definitely think that it is an important step to make in one's religious journey.

I do not, however, think that little girls who are only just becoming capable of making their own decisions should be led to believe in any way that baptism is the last big step before marriage. (Read on, angry reader. Read on.)

Are You Defending The Family Enough? Take Take This Quiz and Find Out!

Faithful Latter-day Saints and good Christians everywhere know that The Family is under attack as it has never before been. Indeed, The Family is in such dire straights that people struggling with same sex attraction are trying to form their own families, often cheered on by governments, scholars, feminists, and (obviously) Satan. This grave, dire, and definitely real threat to religious liberty and Christian values means it is our sacred duty to defend The Family by attacking all who would destroy it.

But how do you know you're doing enough to defend The Family? This short quiz is here to help!

The biggest threat to The Family today is:

A) Gay people getting married

B) Child poverty, abuse, human trafficking, warfare etc, but mostly gay people getting married

Which of the following happy Caucasian families with 2.5 children dressed in modest earth tones is most appropriate for creating an uplifting meme about The Family?

10 Mormon Newsroom headlines we all expect to see (but never will)

You and I both know the Mormon Newsroom as America's real journal of record, but despite so many high-quality press releases descending on its pages as the dews of Carmel, I feel like there are some headlines I keep expecting (or hoping) to see but never do.

Well, if the greatest new organization of our generation cannot fill that need, I guess it's up to people like me to do so using the most important weapon in a non-journalist's arsenal: my own twisted imagination.

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New missionary age limits announced: elders may serve at age eighteen, sisters at not eighteen
Church members laud the move as both a step towards, and away from, gender equality

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Typo in First Presidency letter results in radical new calling: 'Skate President' presides, directs, pulls off wicked frontside ollies

"We need to discuss your temple worthiness."

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(continued after the jump)

Kindness, or Why I'm a Huge Fan of Taylor Swift

At the outset of this year I made one New Years' Resolution, and I'd like to share it with the faithful readers. For my resolution I have chosen two people whom I greatly admire and would like to emulate. My first choice was obvious; I want to be more like the pope. Pope Francis has become a daily inspiration to the world, Catholics and otherwise, making him an obvious choice of a strong, Christlike person whom I could use as a good example of how to live my life with more empathy, understanding, and love.

Four for you, Pope Francis! You go Pope Francis. via

My second choice is perhaps less obvious, and the inspiration for writing this post. The other person I want to become more like is Taylor Swift.

A Few Thoughts on Polygamy, Its Discontents, and Its Weirdest Defenders

I recently read a post over at kiwimormon about an LDS man facing some kind of church discipline for writing an essay arguing that the historical Mormon practice of polygamy was not doctrinal. I don't know the guy and I want to be sensitive to what sounds like a difficult situation, so I won't comment more on that, but it got me thinking about the practice we Mormonfolk call plural marriage. For starters, I thought about how much I dislike that euphemism, so I'll just call it polygamy.*

My position on polygamy is straightforward: Not gonna do it. Not now, not ever. If the President of the Church ever personally asked me to practice it, I would politely invite him to go to hell. If an angel visited me at night with a flaming sword, I like to think I'd grab my wife's Legend of Zelda Master Sword replica and at least go down with a fight.

Or just have my wife fight the battle for me. She's pretty great.

Songs of Mormonism, Part I

We're happy to welcome EOR to the fold here at Expert Textperts. We're still not sure exactly why anybody would want to besmirch their good name by writing here, but we're not going to complain.

The other night I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole and somehow (don’t ask me because I couldn’t tell you) I wound up at the 1982 Tony Awards performance of “And I am Telling You” from Dreamgirls. The scene itself is of course designed to evoke powerful emotion on poor Effie’s behalf—what that emotion is must be determined by the viewer.

Something for your Stocking: An Expert Textperts Christmas Quickie

The Expert Textperts are all busy with family, friends, and...their work (inside joke!), so creating an in-depth Christmas post tonight is a tall order. Instead, as a Christmas offering, I present the following, which is adapted from a narration I wrote for our ward's Christmas program last Sunday. This means it will be a lot less sarcastic than you may be used to seeing here--for that, I apologize in advance. Merry Christmas from your favorite political-philosophical-vaguely-LDS-themed blog!

There's a Primary song that asks: "How could the Father tell the world of love and tenderness?" There is no message humanity needs to hear more than this--to love one another, to love their Father in Heaven, to learn how to return home to him. Generations of men and women have lived on this earth without knowing where to find this love. They have lived in darkness, never knowing the light--kept captive by sin and ignorance. However, as often happens with the most profound problems, the answer was found in the least likely place; in this case, the birth of a tiny baby in a manger. And though the birth of every baby is a miracle, this one was particularly important, for that child was the Son of God, the prophesied Emmanuel--the Lord Jesus Christ.

"O come, o come, Emmanuel/ And ransom captive Israel." “Emmanuel” comes from Hebrew, and means “God is with us”--a fitting title, then, for the Son of God. It is first spoken of in the scriptures by the prophet Isaiah, who lived several centuries before the birth of the Savior. Isaiah was a man of righteousness, one of the great prophets spoken of in the Old Testament; and like all prophets in the scriptures, he looked forward to the glorious day when the Son of God would live among men and women, healing the sick, raising the dead, and restoring his gospel. In his writings, Isaiah gave his people hope in the deliverance that was to come. He wrote:

“Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.”

He also wrote,

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.”

That same hope and excitement that was felt so keenly by Isaiah was echoed in the exultation of the angels, and the joy of the shepherds with whom they shared the blessed news of the birth of Christ.

The Gospel of John, however, declares, “And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.” In these words, we find a theme that can be traced throughout the entire life of the Savior. At his birth, the humble glorified and blessed him, while the proud took no heed of what was, to them, just another impoverished child. In his life, the obedient heard his words and followed his ministry, while the apathetic and the self-important alike ignored him or, worse, reviled him. In his death, the righteous mourned while the wicked mocked. In his resurrection, the daughters and sons of God found hope everlasting and peace to their souls, while the men and women of the flesh saw only another moral obstacle on the road to immorality. Today, some two thousand years later, Christmas can be a time for each of us to ask ourselves--if I were one of Bethlehem’s shepherds on that lonely night, or one of the wise kings from far-off lands, would I have rejoiced at the birth of this child? If he were born today, would I still sing his praise?

The birth of the savior was glorious in what it portended; the life of the savior was magnificent in what it presented; and the death and resurrection of the savior was inexpressible in what it demonstrated. Well do the words of the prophet Nephi take special meaning this time of year:

“And he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.”

Hi, I'm Infertile

Living with infertility is not something I planned on as a child. I knew life would occasionally be less than perfect, but I only ever thought I'd end up with really bad bouts of strep throat or pink eye (my worst enemies in those younger years).

It's not all bad. I mean, there are times when everything is wonderful. In these moments, I have all the hope in the world that everything will work out perfectly and soon I'll have new, simpler worries to deal with.

There are other moments when that vision crashes on my head as if to say, "Don't plan on it."

For and In Behalf Of: A New Skin (Part 2)

This is a continuation of a piece I have been posting. For the first part of this scene, click here. To start at the beginning, read Scene 1. Also, this portion includes a video from rehearsal to show some choreography for the piece. Soon, I will add a similar video for the second half of Scene 2.


Allan: For all her service, talents, and leadership, because she was a woman, my grandmother would never be ordained to the priesthood. Not in the regular operations of the LDS Church, anyway. But in the temple and in the covenants my grandmother wore to her death, she wore the power of the priesthood and acted in its authority.

[Enter B and F]

Allan: But I think I would like you to learn about that from two women who have often been close to my family. This is Sister Kelley and Sister Jensen.

The Weirder Side of Evangelizing: A Journey Through a Jack Chick Comic Book

Late last week, while making my commute to class, I stopped at a gas station and found a Jack Chick comic stuck in a crack in the gas pump. If you haven't heard of Chick before, you very well may have seen his work, as he and his company create comic book tracts for Evangelical Christians that are:

a.) commonly handed out or left in public areas by, I'm sure, well-meaning people; and
b.) crazier than a sloth with syphilis.

Some of my personal favorites in his oeuvre include a scathing denunciation of that great abomination of the 20th century, Dungeons and Dragons; the classic "This Was Your Life," in which all of a man's sins are shown on a theater screen in heaven, including that time he checked his watch during church; and the ominously titled "The Visitors," in which a brave Christian girl tells her maiden aunt/strict librarian/Sarah Palin? that Mormonism is...well, take a look for yourself:

I am so looking forward to LDS.org's upcoming Gospel Topics essay on Baal worship.

Seeing this comic book gave me two immediate thoughts. One, leaving a tracting pamphlet in a gas pump is only one passive-aggressive step removed from leaving an anonymous note on your neighbor's windshield saying, "Hey friend, heard you weren't baptized! That's cool, nothing wrong with that, but you're totally going to hell. I love what you did with your yard!" Two, that I must take this pamphlet, read it, and share it with all of you, for the good of all the Internet.