Friday, March 27, 2015

10 Mormon Newsroom headlines we all expect to see (but never will)

You and I both know the Mormon Newsroom as America's real journal of record, but despite so many high-quality press releases descending on its pages as the dews of Carmel, I feel like there are some headlines I keep expecting (or hoping) to see but never do.

Well, if the greatest new organization of our generation cannot fill that need, I guess it's up to people like me to do so using the most important weapon in a non-journalist's arsenal: my own twisted imagination.


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New missionary age limits announced: elders may serve at age eighteen, sisters at not eighteen
Church members laud the move as both a step towards, and away from, gender equality

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Typo in First Presidency letter results in radical new calling: 'Skate President' presides, directs, pulls off wicked frontside ollies
"We need to discuss your temple worthiness."
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(continued after the jump)


As part of Church leadership's changing policies toward LGBT community, all youth dances required to play 'YMCA' no less than 3 times
Attendees have yet to notice a difference

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Church media department: Soon-to-be-released temple movies will include "new musical scores, the return of the oath of vengeance on the United States government for spilling the blood of the prophets, improved special effects"
"Seriously, guys, these special effects are so good, they will almost make you forget the righteous ichor that stains the escutcheon of this nation"


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In stunning compromise, Church leaders give women seeking priesthood ordination small pieces of paper bearing handwritten words "The Priesthood"
"Good enough!" --Kate Kelly
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BREAKING--Sealed portion of Book of Mormon opened, consists entirely of Twilight fan fiction
Michael Otterson: "The dialogue's a little trite, but the plotting shows a real understanding of the series' major themes and characters"


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LDS Twitter users eagerly await first apostolic "lol"
"Although in Adam #YOLO, in Christ, ye have eternal life #blessed #twitterstake"
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First Presidency counsels members to prayerfully reconsider their use of media, "especially if [they] still have yet to watch Breaking Bad"
Elder Oaks: "I'm not saying you should tell your bishop if you haven't watched it yet, I'm just saying that once you finally get to 'Fly' in the third season, you'll feel like you should have"


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Hoping to better connect with young adults, Church seeks to lower median age of Institute instructors to 65
Michael Otterson: "The Church wants teachers who aren't far removed from youth themselves, or whose grandchildren aren't anyway"

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To better reflect Salt Lake City's evolving demographics, Church music department seeks minor change to lyrics of second verse of "High on the Mountain Top"
"Although only a small edit, changing 'gaze' to 'gays' is, frankly, a more accurate reflection of reality now"
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Got some ideas of your own? Post them in the comments section!

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