Monday, August 27, 2012

Political Roundup -- August 2012 (The unCONVENTIONal edition)

And now, the news in brief. For the proper effect and gravitas, please play this in the background while reading.

Missouri Representative and Senate candidate Todd Akin drew fire for claiming that pregnancy rarely occurs in situations of "legitimate rape," which he later clarified meant "forcible" rape. Despite the calls of opponents and GOP leaders to drop out of the race, Akins has persisted and recently told supporters, "We're going to carry on this campaign! We're going to fight! We're going to earn a legitimate victory over liberalism! We're going to... what? What??"

Akins' remarks had broader repercussions as the Romney campaign is likely to recall its "Ryan/Romney: Legitimate Conservatism" bumper stickers. Meanwhile, Joe Biden told a campaign rally, "We are not going anywhere! We are going to defeat the Republicans through the most legitimate and forcible campaigning ever seen! Four more years! Four more... what? What??"

As the GOP convention approaches, delegates and party officials fear that Hurricane Isaac will overshadow television coverage and possibly require that the convention be cut short. One prominent conservative leader in Tampa was overheard on the phone saying, "Isaac ... It can't be coincidence ... <unintelligible> ... I'm saying the Lord requires < unintelligible >...yes, a sacrifice ...<unintelligible> ...  Emmanuel indeed. Now, how are we going to get him here?"

In response to ongoing right-wing accusations that he intends to unveil a heretofore secret and radical agenda upon reelection, President Obama assured the White House Press Corp, "Look, as you all know, my friends (he paused, eyeing the room for a moment) have nothing to fear from me. Nothing at all. Write that down. Now." Press officers nodded silently as they glanced at the many empty, red-stained seats in the auditorium.

The President was then interrupted by a ring of his phone. "Hello...err, no, he's not with the administration anymore... well, I don't know if he's planning to be in Florida... umm, I guess, but anyway, it's pronounced. Rahm, not Ram. Okay, you do that." He hung up. "Sorry, friends ... where were we?"

Meanwhile, the Romney campaign continued its calls for the President to cease "Chicago-style" politics. Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan told reporters, "I know it's all a matter of preference, but this President keeps disappointing me. I just think Chicago style is messy, nasty, and unhealthy. I mean, don't take this the wrong way and make it all racial, but I like a good White slice with plenty of ricotta myself."

Later that day, reporters looking for more background spoke with Chicago mayor Rahm Emmanuel. Emmanuel's eyes darted around as he lowered his voice in response: "Look, don't ask me to answer that. You just don't want to get on certain people's bad sides, you know? Don't tell Obama... please, please don't tell him, but they've invited me to Tampa and I'm going. It's the only safe place now."