Wednesday, June 27, 2012

American Political Roundup -- June 2012

It's been a while since we've done a proper political update here, so here you are with the stories that matter, what you won't hear from the mainstream me-dumb-ia (note: come up with better media perjorative).

-In an attempt to cash in on recent pop culture trends and, some analysts believe, position herself for a 2016 Presidential run, Hillary Clinton released Youtube parody video entitled "Text Me Maybe." It has recently surpassed the trailer for Twilight: New Moon in Youtube's Trending category.




-With the Supreme Court expected to deliver its ruling on the controversial Affordable Healthcare Act Thursday, Obama was recently overheard telling a staffer, "Everybody's droning on and on about healthcare..but we'll show them what droningreally means. We'll show them all..."

-Meanwhile, the Supreme Court has already dealt a blow to key provisions of Arizona's controversial immigration law. A scathing dissent from Justice Scalia's (R-DC) drew criticism for relying on partisan rather than judicial reasoning, including an odd tangent about "immigrants who steal our jobs and ignore our Valentine's Day cards," which he read while glancing at a stone-faced Sonya Sotomayor.

-NRA President Wayne LaPierre accused President Obama of running the controversial "Fast and Furious" program, in which Federal agents sold guns to Mexican drug cartels in the hope of tracking them, as a vast plot to undermine second Amendment. "This was about putting these guns down there in Mexico, and then when they find them in crime scenes going 'Aha! We need more gun laws in the United States!'"* Responding to blank stares, LaPierre became more animated. "Look, I have isolated pattterned recurrences across periodicals across time... it's all on my board..." Then he began scratching his wrist furiously, muttering "Damned implant," at which point several interns swooped in and escorted him away from the cameras. As they left, LaPierre could be heard shouting "I don't know anything! I'm just a codebreaker! No, no! You're not real!"

It's all connected

-Obama administration officials denied LaPierre's claims but refused to comment on Michelle Obama's "Fat and Furious" initiative, which allegedly involves selling thousands of Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Burritos to drug runners in order to put them at greater risk of heart disease.

-Steve Israel, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, urged candidates to stay in their districts rather than attend the DNC convention this fall. Speaking with a group of reporters outside his home, Israel said, "I just feel it's important that candidates are reaching out to their own districts. Plus I just watched Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and...man, it sure is sunny out here. Can we take this inside?"

-Speaking about the GOP's lack of direction on immigration, Mitt Romney told supporters "we're left with a bit of a muddle. But what we know is that the president failed to lead." Some Republicans have criticized Romney for declining to put forward a plan of his own, but Romney countered, "My plan is to show leadership in a leaderly fashion like a true leader, in a matter not at all like the non-leaderish plan Obama has presented. That is my plan, and it is plannish in a plannerly way."

Leadership. Economy. More Leadership. Romney 2012

-The European debt crisis escalated as Greek elections showed deep voter unhappiness with German-backed austerity measures. European Central Bank president  Mario Draghi suggested that Greece increase its exports, noting that "it is impossible to find good tzatziki in Frankfurt." When asked about continuing economic struggles of austerity poster-child Ireland, Draghi expressed uncertainty over "what they eat over there."

-Vice President Joe Biden is on the campaign trail, where recently he told supporters, "We need to choose a commander-in-chief, not an outsourcer-in-chief. We need someone who creates jobs in Davenport, Pittsburgh, and Toledo, not in Singapore, South Korea, and...man, it sure is sunny out here. Can we take this inside?"


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*This quote is real -- the head of the largest and most powerful lobbying group in Washington actually believes this. And it affects how lawmakers vote.

2 comments:

  1. I love picturing a scorned Scalia just seething at Sotomayor and her Valentine diss.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The personal really is the political.

      Delete

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