Friday, November 6, 2015

10 Ways to Feel Better About the LDS Church Being Terrible to Gay Families

Well, by now you're probably heard: The LDS Church really, really dislikes gay families. So much that they won't allow children who live with gay parents to be blessed or baptized. Sorry, joint-custody families, your kids are now officially ostracized on your behalf. Some people--both the faithful and the faithless--are arguing that this move is actually good for children, because it protects them from being indoctrinated and confused by either their gay family or the church.

This, of course, is hogwash: regardless of your opinion about the church, the fact that other "sinful" family behavior (bar polygamy) isn't similarly punished indicates that the goal here is boundary maintenance on the church's part, plain and simple. And trust me, the message has been received loud and clear--people I care about are genuinely hurting over this. So, to my friends who are struggling with the church's decision, I've come up with a short list of things you can do to feel better this weekend:

This guy got away with top tens every night for decades, so I don't feel bad about doing two in a week.

10. Work on your chess openings. When’s the last time you really delved into Alekhine’s defense?

I realize that ceding the center and inviting a pawn rush is a bold strategy for an intermediate level player, but pretend it's a metaphor for fighting the power or something.

9. Convince yourself that believing in modern prophets makes it cool to suspend personal moral judgements because of some vapid shit about playing in a symphony or something.

Besides, it's a scientifically proven fact that combining the symphony with rock produces badass results.

8. I bet you’d like to read an explanation hosted at the blog of the lady thinks Disney’s Frozen is gay propaganda!

Don't actually click those links. But if you do, use an ad blocker; don't help her make a living off those terrible opinions.

7. Catch up on the back catalogue of this blog. If you like what you see, consider the personal and spiritual benefits of a charitable donation.

Consider how your selfishness is affecting me for once.

6. Repeatedly refresh Facebook. Just over and over again. That’ll definitely work.

Sweet, sweet validation.

5. Speaking of Facebook, do you have friends or family saying awful things on social media? Unfollow ‘em. Seriously. This one isn’t a joke. Do it now. You can always switch back when things calm down and nobody will ever know.

Also works on racists and militant vegans!

4. Watch all five seasons of The Wire this weekend. It’ll really put your pain in perspective.


3. Don’t do anything stupid. Or do. I’m not sure about this one; just don’t hold me accountable. You probably shouldn’t be taking advice from a random blogger, anyway.

This is a blog post I wrote. Are you sure you're comfortable listening to anything I have to say?

2. Hey, have you listened to the Hamilton cast recording? It’s actually really good, and I don’t even like musicals.

1. Umm…try not having any gay friends or relatives? Or, like, suspending basic human empathy?

Seriously, this is rough. Have you tried blaming them for being decent people who want love and affection? Selfish bastards.