Sunday, November 6, 2016

Ten Bulletproof 2016 Election Predictions

Only two days left, no time for an introduction.

1. Hillary Clinton will win by a comfortable electoral margin, as Trump's armed poll watching patrols, fearful of leaving the suburbs, fail to stop the most flagrant voter fraud operation in human history.

2. Donald Trump will refuse to concede, continuing to hold rallies for his increasingly justified grievances, but things will go terribly awry when, at an event organized by alt-right hero Milo Yiannopoulos, he brags about the numerous women he's slept with and compares John Podesta to "one of those retarded gamer losers living in his parent's basement." He will be cruelly turned on and beaten by the furious crowd of awkward twenty-somethings wearing Titanfall shirts, who accuse him of being an anti-GamerGate shill. Humiliated, Trump will disappear from the public eye for years before making a final, anticlimactic appearance at the 2025 Royal Rumble, where will be eliminated in ten seconds by an evergreen Undertaker.

His eulogy will read: asshole couldn't even sell a stunner