Sunday, November 6, 2016

Ten Bulletproof 2016 Election Predictions

Only two days left, no time for an introduction.

1. Hillary Clinton will win by a comfortable electoral margin, as Trump's armed poll watching patrols, fearful of leaving the suburbs, fail to stop the most flagrant voter fraud operation in human history.

2. Donald Trump will refuse to concede, continuing to hold rallies for his increasingly justified grievances, but things will go terribly awry when, at an event organized by alt-right hero Milo Yiannopoulos, he brags about the numerous women he's slept with and compares John Podesta to "one of those retarded gamer losers living in his parent's basement." He will be cruelly turned on and beaten by the furious crowd of awkward twenty-somethings wearing Titanfall shirts, who accuse him of being an anti-GamerGate shill. Humiliated, Trump will disappear from the public eye for years before making a final, anticlimactic appearance at the 2025 Royal Rumble, where will be eliminated in ten seconds by an evergreen Undertaker.

His eulogy will read: asshole couldn't even sell a stunner

 3. Several months after Clinton is sworn in, all hell will break loose when every charge against her is simultaneously revealed to be true in a shocking Wikileaks document dump. Despite James Comey having recently died in a mysterious car wreck, the FBI will indict Clinton on charges of plotting with ISIS via private email server to destroy the State Department compound in Benghazi, where her voter fraud plan backups were being held in secret.

4. Before Congress can respond, Clinton will drop dead from a multiplicity of hidden ailments, including pneumonia, dyspepsia, typhoid fever, and smallpox. Julian Assange will be triumphant before succumbing to the same illnesses within the month. Even Alex Jones will find this a little too on the nose to believe.

 5. Tim Kaine, his new administration already tainted by scandal and lacking any governing mandate, will suffer an incapacitating nervous breakdown that renders him unfit to appear in public for months. He will be satirized by a rotating cast of Saturday Night Live performers, and nobody will notice the difference.

Pictured: Tim Kaine?

6. Paul Ryan, after a series of escalating and vitriolic challenges to his leadership by a restless Freedom Caucus, will be shockingly caned to death by Justin Amash live on C-SPAN after ignoring another motion to investigate President Kaine's role in Benghazi. Ryan's dying words will be "only wanted... cut... food stamps... top marginal..." Amash and his diehard congressional allies and aides will flee the country, establishing themselves on St. Kitts as the "Government of Liberty in Exile."

 7. With unrest growing across the nation, a bedridden President Kaine will, in a rare moment of lucidity, call in his staff to announce his last-ditch plan to unify the country, a decision that will forever alter the course of American history. After two weeks of bargaining with a deeply chastened Congress, a new government will emerge from the embers of the election.

8. President Kaine will soon resign, but not before appointing his successor, American Hero JIM WEBB, the only man with the progressive credentials to unify the left and the virile strength to satisfy the right. His vice president and chief policy adviser will be Elizabeth Warren.

The man America wants. The hero it needs.

9. The JIM WEBB/Warren administration, with the assistance of Senate ally Bernie Sanders, will inaugurate a new era of American strength and prosperity, in which the United States will pass universal healthcare and family leave, eliminate poverty, and destroy its enemies abroad through the grit and ingenuity of our boys in uniform.

10. Democrats and Republicans continue the momentum of JIM WEBB/Warren beyond 2024, pushing America to even greater heights of benevolent global dominance, commanding the respect of China, Russia, Iran, and Saudia Arabia alike. Mankind will enter its historical apex, until continually rising temperatures create a global typhoon that wipes out the majority of the earth's population in the early twenty third century.


  1. Well, it almost went that way. I agree with our other points, but insist that the Phoenix rising is a Warren/Webb ticket ; )

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