Monday, July 6, 2015

My New Best Friend: Gordon Cynthia Churchill (Written by Me at Age 14)

Update: I originally wrote that this was written around age 8 after I misread folder labeled "third period" as "third grade." In fact, this came from Junior High. I was a precocious kid, but not that precocious.

Tonight I was going through a box of old documents from school when I came across this paper, written by me at age 15 or 16, apparently for an assignment to write about an imaginary friend. It seems worth sharing, if only because the profound weirdness entertains my 30 year old self. I now present it fully transcribed and without significant edits, for your...whatever it is you get out of reading this blog.

Gordon Churchill is my new best friend. He is a 55 year old deadbeat living in a trailer home with his mother Cynthia, his cat Muffykins, and his mom's current boyfriend Antonio. His dad joined congress when he was young, and has not been seen since. He has no job, although he once briefly held the position of assistant regurgitation engineer in a Turkish vomitorium (he never told me what he was doing in Turkey). Currently, he makes his living turning in Pepsi cans to grocery stores, suing corporations for trivial injuries and annoyances, collecting welfare, unemployment, and mooching money off of Cynthia (he calls her by her first name, by the way).

He is aware of his financial turmoil, and currently plans to start his business venture, the "Disco Copying Center," as soon as he can get money to rent space, hire employees, buy copiers, buy a disco ball, and order every Bee Gees album ever released. Says Gordon, "I am confident that the Disco Copying Center will take the fire away from Xerox and Staples, and make me rich!" Says Cynthia, "Take out the **** garbage NOW before I skin your *********** and **** it to the **** before they ***** with your loser father!" Once Gordon starts Disco Copying, he plans to live there also.

When he is not thinking of get-rich-quick-money making schemes (such as last month's "De-Fanged Black Widows as Pets" ordeal), Gordon likes to keep himself entertained. Mostly, he collects pictures of former presidents...of the National Association for the Legalization of Beating Up US Senators and other Government Parasites Such as Supreme Court Justices (NALBUUSGPSSCJ). Yes, Gordon has every speck of info for all two of the presidents of the NALBUUSGPSSCJ. I think (although he won't admit it to me) that he dreams of becoming the president of the NALBUUSGPSSCJ. Which brings me to my next point: Gordon dislikes any authority. He hates the government and their "worthless social programs" (which, apparently, do not include welfare or unemployment), he hates the police and their "fascist policies regarding arresting nude men in public" (don't ask), and he dislikes his mother.

Besides clipping presidents of the NALBUUSGPSSCJ, Gordon also likes to collect dead flies. He recently bought a display case (cost: $600) for his flies. Unfortunately, now he cannot afford to pay for his (second-second hand) Gremlin (Cost: $2.50 per month). That really disappointed him. He loves that car more than anything else in the world, including Cynthia, flies, and circulatory functions (he agreed to donate his heart upon death to pay for the down payment on the Gremlin). The car has "everything a man could ever want" (his words). It has air conditioning (windows), heating (lack of ventilation), a CD player (boom-box in the back that takes D batteries), and cruise control (a brick on the floor). The car gets about 2.3 miles to the gallon, and guess how Gordon gets gas money? Of course, he asks Cynthia (and me).

Naturally, like all people, Gordon has a few character flaws. First of all, he chews with his mouth open. And he has kind of a short temper. And he drinks a little too much now and then. Also, he is a little stubborn. Also, he never ever bothers to listen to advice. His fly collection stinks, and he refuses to clean it. He never wears deodorant. In fact, sometimes he refuses to wear clothes at all (at those times, I leave quickly). He often steals my stuff. He insults people over the phone using my name as an alias. He steals things from Wal-Mart. He is a sociopath and a pathological liar. He is neurotic, and cries when he is alone. Also, he does this irritating thing in which he sues me for emotional damage whenever I try to give some constructive criticism.

Still, everyone has flaws. Gordon just happens to have a massive number of them. And we are good friends. Why? Well, first of all, my standards for friendship are apparently VERY low. Also, I am his only friend. He is a really lonely guy. When I suggested he get a girlfriend, he said, "No, I don't trust women." Ever since then, I've been a little wary around him. Still, once you get to know him and get past his flaws, his insecurities, his stubbornness, his lack of intelligence, his neurosis, his stealing, his lying, his shifty eyes, and the fact that he still lives with his mother, he really is a great guy.

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