Thursday, March 5, 2015

The 8 Kinds of Liberals on The Internet

Regular readers of this blog probably know that I'm a left-leaning kind of guy. Most of my friends are liberals, too. So it is with deep and sincere regret that I must drag all of us through the mud as I exhaustively categorize the kinds of liberals I see most often on Facebook, Twitter, and so on.

You might argue that this list is reductive, unfair, and even offensive. You're probably right.

The Watchdog

If a conservative somewhere says something ignorant, racist, sexist, homophobic, or just basically conservative, the watchdog knows and immediately announces it to the world (by which I mean, Facebook friends) with appropriate disdain. Spends hours trawling blogs and media outlets (or at least liberal watchdog sites) looking for links to post, lest you forget for one second how awful, awful, awful conservatives are.

Most likely to post a link from: Breitbart (with scorn)

Conservatives beware; the watchdog misses nothing

The Feminist-lite

A huge proponent of online feminism...except when it comes to learning about boring feminist theory. Hasn’t really read much about feminism per se, but likes to wade into online arguments before retreating to request backup. Backup and sources, because I know I read once that women are only paid 32 cents on the dollar in South Dakota but now I can’t find where that came from and it's really important I win this argument I just started with facts I'm sure are right…

Most likely to post a link from: Jezebel

I still don't understand WHY people get so upset when I say I wish I could touch her hair!

The Dawkins

The most logical of all creatures. Chose to become liberal through the power of reason alone. Has no time for ignorant theists, creationists, new-agers, Republicans, feminists, and especially Muslims. Muslims are just the worst, not even worth taking seriously at all, no matter how many billions of them there are. This might make him (it's almost always him) sound kind know, illiberal... but that’s only because you fail to understand the absolute validity of all his arguments. You're probably a humanities major or something.

Most likely to post a link from: Sam Harris

If only you knew what he did.

The Right-Wing Lefty

Self-identifies as a liberal, but always expresses deep skepticism over the need for a social safety net, reforming structural racism, the existence of sexism, and the plight of marginalized people in general. He (it’s almost always he) tends to play devil’s advocate all the time, everywhere. Prefers to think of himself as provocative. Likes to say, "I'm a Democrat, but..."

Most likely to post a link from: The New Republic

Son, I agree that black lives matter, but really wouldn't you say all lives matter?

The Bolshevick

Apparently stepped out of a time machine straight from 1937. Talks incessantly about class war and quotes Lenin with a straight face. Expresses disdain for anyone, including fellow lefties, who don't share the exact same concerns and goals on any given issue. Wants to unite all workers. Might not actually have a job.

Most likely to post a link from: Jacobin

Because patriarchy cannot be smashed while we're caught in the web of neoliberal capitalism!

The Labelmaker

Concerned, first and foremost, with ensuring that everyone’s identity is properly sorted and classified with an appropriate acrynom or other marker. Has read a lot of bell hooks, or at least most of her Brainyquotes. Spends a lot of time on social media expressing OUTRAGE over things that are IMPORTANT and must be VALIDATED and if you disagree you should EDUCATE YOURSELF. Wonders why nobody seems to be listening to their message.

Most likely to post a link from: his or her (you WILL use the correct pronoun by which she or he identifies her or himself) Tumblr

Already outraged that a cis white hetero male would choose this picture.

The Scold

Constantly bemoans the tendancy of other liberals to express outrage on social media. Insists that they're failing to do the coalition building and political maneuvering necessary to enact meaningful reforms and achieve concrete political results, and are wasting their time in echo chambers.

Also does not really accomplish anything, but at least feels better about him or herself for not being part of the problem.

Most likely to post a link from: The Atlantic (to angrily rebut it)

What has your Twitter activism actually done? Yeah, that's what I thought. Bad, bad, puppy.

The Wiseass

The worst combination of self-righteous liberalism and empty slacktivism. Gets all news from The Daily Show and Last Week Tonight. Always has a joke or a quip ready, but never anything substantive to say. Takes no responsibility for own actions, but always hides behind the "just joking" excuse when called out. Absolutely the worst.

Most likely to post a link from: The Onion, their own blog

Okay, you've got a one liner. We GET it already.


  1. If I quote Marx straight-faced instead of Lenin, am I still a bolshevik?

  2. Wait, us Bolsheviks aren't liberals (says his internal Labelmaker).