Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Quick Guide to Current Events (In Haiku)

Here at Expert Textperts, we know that the world is complicated. There's a lot going on, especially right now, and it's hard to keep up with everything all at once. That, as always, is where we step in: to provide you the hard news and insight you need in the mere seconds you have, while also providing the benefits of a solid cultural education in the ancient form of haiku (it is a sign of the mainstream media's utter depravity that very little of the so-called "news" you get from them is in verse. Can you believe those a**holes?)

So sit back and enjoy, knowing that in a mere 20-35 seconds you will be a better informed citizen of this great country, whichever based on my traffic statistics is for you probably somewhere in the former Soviet Union.


Monday, July 21, 2014

The Metaphorical Ton of Bricks

Most days in our lives, we go about our business. Everyone's day is different, but most of the 7.046 billion people on Earth have established routines.

Every day, some of those 7.046 billion people are going to hit a rough patch. Maybe a client yells at them, a lover's tiff upsets their rhythm, or the grocery store runs out of their favorite brand of chips. Small problems are a part of life.

Small problem for a small person: extra small. via

Unfortunately, there are big problems too. In the English language, many refer to the arrival of a big problem as getting hit by a ton of bricks. The imagery provokes a gruesome scene, but the metaphorical ton of bricks is not so bombastic.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Loud Music: An Odyssey of Aggression

This post has no particular purpose other than to broadcast my deeply held belief that sometimes the best cure to a bad day is some old fashioned loud, angry music. Today was a bad day--nothing major, just a culmination of minor frustrations incidental to capitalism and modernity and all that. So I invite you to join me on a self-indulgent musical odyssey through the healing power of rage from a baker's dozen of my favorite metal songs. Sometimes it's all the soul needs.

Metal aficionados will note that this list as a strong early-aughts bias. Congratulations: you have correctly identified when I attended high school and actively sought out this kind of music! Enjoy.

1. Killswitch Engage - Self Revolution.


Slow down the fast paced world
And you will see past the illusion