Sunday, December 7, 2014

Race, Police, and Other Bad News

If you're the type who follows the news, then you might have noticed that things seem a little down lately. Times may be confusing and depressing, but fear not: Expert Textperts is here as always to explain the most important going-ons goingses-on things happening in your world today. Here's your news update for December 2014.

Now with 500% more image captions

- Protests in Ferguson, Missouri continue after authorities declined to indict officer Darren Wilson for his controversial shooting of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown. Wilson's testimony, in which he declared that Brown looked "like a demon," was well received by the grand jury, which issued a statement that "We cannot but, with all thankfulness, acknowledge the success which the merciful God has given unto the sedulous and assiduous endeavours of our honourable constables, to detect the abominable witchcrafts which have been committed in the country, humbly praying, that the discovery of those mysterious and mischievous wickednesses may be perfected!"

Artists's rendition of Wilson testifying
- Days after the Ferguson decision, further nationwide protests were set off after authorities in New York declined to indict New York police officer Daniel Pantaleo, who publicly choked black Staten Island resident Eric Garner to death for allegedly selling bootleg cigarettes. Unlike the Brown case, there was little ambiguity about Garner's death because the entire incident was recorded by bystanders, although demonologists note that modern technology's sketchy track record in capturing supernatural activity makes it difficult to determine whether Garner was, in fact, possessed by demons.

Pictured: Pantaleo's self-image after choking an innocent man to death with his bare hands
- Meanwhile, in Cleveland, Ohio an officer with a documented history of "dangerous loss[es] of composure" and an "inability to manage personal stress" shot and killed 12 year old black child Tamir Rice for brandishing a toy gun in public. In fairness, the officer gave the child approximately two seconds to explain himself before opening fire, which experts agree is more than enough time for trained individuals to ascertain demonic possession with reasonable confidence.

Fun exercise: Point a gun at your children and ask them to explain why you shouldn't kill them in the time it takes this gif to loop!
- Rice represents the third recent high-profile incident of a black male being killed by police for publicly brandishing a toy weapon in an open-carry state, following the shootings of John Crawford III (air rifle, demon) and Darrien Hunt (samurai sword, demon). In both previous instances the shootings were deemed justified.

We salute brave police leveling up to protect the non-possessed
- But seriously, police have probably also shot and killed a few white people too, and we have a black president so why is anybody even playing the race card anymore? We can't move on until we stop seeing color, folks. Let's move on and start the healing.

- In video game news, #gamergate, the burning ember of entitled masculine online nerdrage fueled by misogyny, reactionary anti-progressivism, and subservient hyperconsumerism, still exists. Fortunately, gamergate can be easily ignored by avoiding twitter, not being interested in the tech industry, and not being a woman, so thank God that's not a problem anymore.

SJW white knight casuals don't stand a chance
- Apparently there are still protests going on in Hong Kong? So what's happening is...well, it's complicated. Lots of moving parts. Kinda makes us wish we knew less about gamergate and more about this. Anyway, it's probably important so you should read up on it. We feel like we heard something bout Thailand too. Anyway, those places are far away so honestly we wouldn't sweat it.

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