Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Equality = Sameness. Let's Get Started.

You know what I'm sick of? Differences between the sexes.

Ugh. You can't spend five minutes around a bunch of men and women before noticing that they're just so frustratingly, ineffably different. It makes me sick. That is why today, in the name of feminism, liberalism, and all that is good, I'd like to issue a call to once and forever eradicate all differences between men and women.

Why would I advocate this? I want to make my reasoning perfectly clear: I believe that men and women should be fully equal. Equal in civic matters. Equal in business. Equal in religion. And the one thing standing in the way of that is that men and women are just too damned different. This has to end.


For starters, no more of this "mothering" nonsense. I am SO sick of hearing how great mothers are, how important motherhood is to society, to children, to God, yada yada yada. Enough. Women are never going to be equal if they're saddled with that detestable label. I see moms playing with their children and I just retch. Motherhood is the height of oppression. Everybody knows that the only women of value are women who work.

But frankly, the problem goes much deeper than this: what we really need is to eliminate the family. Let's face it, families are the single most destructive institution in the history of mankind. Hitler had a family, probably. Families just make me so angry. And marriage. BLECH. That's why I support gay marriage: What better way to finally bring that nonsense to the ground than allow others to participate in it? My gay friends know what exactly what I'm talking about. Hint: it involves forcing others to let them adopt so many babies--all the babies we don't abort, obviously--that we can finally indoctrinate the next generation against the family once and for all.

Our secret weapon: Gaybies

But back to my main point: Everybody knows that equality is good. Everybody knows that equality means sameness. Sameness means being the same in EVERYTHING. Thus, equality means absolute, complete, and total uniformity. It's called logic, people. I know it. You know it. My liberal and feminist friends all know it. Sure, they'll tell you differently, for PR purposes. But I'm through with the games. We have work to do. To that end, I demand the following:

- Identical clothing for men and women. Women's clothing is often sexist and objectifying. Not anymore.
- Elimination of the family. I realize this may not happen overnight, but governments should begin preparing to fully assume the duty and responsibility for child care.
- Mandatory public unisex toilets. Forcing men and women to relieve themselves in separate spaces is the height of oppression
- Exact arithmetic equality in all governing bodies, organizations, athletics, etc. I demand that there be 50 female senators, that 50% of all boards of directors be female, that NBA teams be comprised of 50% women (having a separate WNBA is the height of oppression), and so on. When a position is only occupied by a single individual, preference should be given to females.
- Allowances ought to be made for individuals who do not fit the traditional male/female binary: specifically, they should whenever possible occupy spaces that would otherwise be held by men.
- Men should be required to birth children. The logistical particulars of this are not my concern in this essay, but it needs to happen.

Liberal Hollywood is already laying the foundations

Of course, these demands are not meant to be comprehensive, but they are necessary starting blocks toward creating a society that is truly tolerant and caring. Anything short of these non-negotiable requirements is the height of oppression, and if you disagree you are the most evil person in the universe.


  1. Great ideas. I think this is bound to catch on.

    I suppose a more important consideration would be how exploit these things properly for a big return.