As many of the five or six of you (possibly double that if Brooke links to a post!) who read this blog know, I consider myself a fairly liberal guy -I voted for Obama, I watch Daily Show clips, and I’m more taken aback by police macing peaceful protesters than by the protests themselves. I know what you’re saying: “Okay, Comrade McPinko, what's the point?” Well, it’s December again, and I feel left out of that most festive time of the year, the time when we celebrate the values that make us who we are. I’m talking, of course, about the War on Christmas.
The Democrats are already starting the fun. As Ben Stein never wrote, the Obama administration has also in absolutely no way joined the anti-Christmas bandwagon as well. Well, don’t I deserve a piece of that fun too? If I’m going to follow my political leaders, I need to find some Christmas and take the Christ right out of it. December 25, soon to be the day we celebrate Mas.
Now, I kid, but the War on Mas (if we concede the name to the enemy we’ve already lost) is serious business. As Totally Not A Crank Presidential Candidate Ron Paul wrote in 2003, it’s part of a broader war on religion itself. That’s a small conflict of interest for a faithful person like me, but sacrifices must be made, I suppose.
Let’s look at Mr Paul’s (for convenience I will call him RoPaul) claims. First, we must go about banning public performances of Handel’s Messiah. Crap, still work to do there. Now...public nativities. I know the bible promotes frequent public displays of religiosity, but sorry, they’ve gotta go. Office Christmas parties. Ugh. This year my work’s Christmas party (yes, "Christmas", not "Holiday", not "Yuletide", not "Winter’s Eve") is at a freaking bowling alley, clearly meant to represent the domination (“sweeping asunder”) of non-Christians by Dominionist Christians. I am already offended. Hopefully you’re feeling the spirit of the season too.
"Protect free markets and individual liberty"
RoPaul goes on to document the progress secular leftist elitists already made against the word "Christmas". Of course, “Holiday” still denotes a “Holy Day”, which is why I hope Mas gains more traction. Might be confusing to Catholics to go to Mass on Mas, especially in Spanish speaking countries, but we’ll deal with that later.
After all, I must concede to RoPaul that America’s Founders, who thought in monolithic lockstep about every issue, envisioned America as a Christian country then and forevermore (no so-called "historian" will tell you this, but, yes, they were basically modern Evangelical Christians by the standards of their day). The Declaration of Independence, though technically, legally, and actually unrelated to the government of the United States created 12 years later, does indeed contain references to our “Creator” and “Nature’s God” (note to self: must get around banning those Christocentric words). The Constitution is also, as RoPaul claims, replete with references to God. So not only am I trying to destroy Christmas, but also religion and the US Government. Wow, that’s a bigger job than I thought.
Which is why, going back to my original point, I’m a little miffed that my fellow liberals seem to be leaving me out of the loop. As I write this, the ACLU homepage contains exactly zero articles about Christmas, let alone calls to action in destroying it. Salon...nothing. MSNBC...zilch. Daily Kos...dammit guys, help me out here! If we’re going to eliminate Christmas, we’ve got to get organized! Or is it..I see. This is about me. I get it. You’re off in your secret cabals, your combinations, your fancy-unspecified-elitist-places-of-gathering, and you’ve left me out by myself. It's middle school all over again.
Fine, I may not be part of the liberal cool kids club, but just you wait. One day when the ban on public prayer is lifted, when Christians start voting like they're in the majority, they’ll start electing people who will push their cause. Oh yes, we’re in for a day when politicians are allowed to openly proclaim their allegiance to God, when they’re allowed to question the sacrosanct separation of Church and State. Then you’ll wish you’d asked for my help. Stupid Liberal jerks.
Meanwhile, I guess I’ll console myself with some shopping. Maybe then I’ll find the true meaning of Mas.